So it looks like this was a chemical pregnancy. I am so sad for Y&S and a little sad for me too. Cycling isn't easy and I was really hoping it would take the first time around. Of course they still have me on medication just in case. My last beta is tomorrow and I am not expecting it to have risen at all. So moving on to plan B...

So Monday was our beta. It was only 29.2. This means the HcG level was really low. Anything about a 5 is pregnant but with it being only 29.2 it means we still have to worry because there is a possibility it is a chemical.

After much obsessing I finally started seeing some positives. The first was faint, really faint and I couldn't even get a picture. That was around 6:00 last night. Then this morning at 5:30 I tested again. Here is what it looked like. Yes it is really there I swear, you just have to look really really hard.

Of course I called Y&S first. I had already emailed her the pictures that I took with my phone but I still had to call her and tell her to check her email. They are over joyed but a bit cautious I think. I am trying to be cautious. I know that there is always a chance of it being a chemical or ending in miscarriage. But it is hard to not be elated when you see those nice pink lines and that big fat YES! Beta is tomorrow. Hoping for a good number!

I don't think I have ever in my life been so obsessed. I just took apart a pregnancy test, yes I took it apart and held the piece of paper that comes out of it over a light in hopes that I would see the line that is there but so faint it takes holding it up to a lamp to see it. This very well could be what they call the evap line or evaporation line which means I am not pregnant but I AM DESPERATE to believe that it is in fact a positive! I am not the only one that saw it though. This is only one of the 15 tests that I have taken since Tuesday. I am sitting here writing this and laughing at myself. I know it is sad and pathetic but it is all I can think about. I even came to Atlanta this weekend to hang out with Jamie and try to forget about it but now I just have her looking at my pregnancy tests to see if she sees a line. Yup I have lost it. Can I blame it on the hormones?

I just realized how long it has taken to get us to this day. I talked to Y&S for the first time on February 10th, 2010. That was 7 months ago. We have had a lot of obstacles to overcome but we are finally here.

TRANSFER DAY!

I flew in to Philadelphia yesterday about 5:00. S picked me up and we went to Y&S's house. It is beautiful and looks like a great neighborhood to raise a little one. Then we went out to a very nice dinner. Then it was back to my hotel room. I didn't sleep well and had some crazy dreams but I did dream that one stuck so hopefully that is a good sign. Today we are to arrive at the IVF clinic at 11:00, about 12:00 they will transfer the little bubs, then I have to stick around for 30 minutes. Then back to the hotel for my 24 hours best rest to give them time to settle in.

I have my green on and my four leaf clovers. I am not a huge believer in luck but even so you can't have to much of it.

Time to go get ready! :)

Emily,
Today is a long story. We arrived at 9:30, nurse went over a few papers with me. She said Dr. D and Dr. L will be in charge of my retrieval, each do one side of the ovary. Dr. D is the best doctor at the IVF clinic, Dr. L is that new doctor almost canceled our cycle.This is kind of training session for Dr. L. Of cause I don't want her to touch my precious eggs. Finally the nurse agreed to talk to Dr. D about my concern.

Then the anesthesiologist came, she still want to put me on the average does of anesthesia medicine. She said dizziness is normal. But I know it is not right based on my first two retrieval's experience. I feel so upset after arguing with her. I start feel uncomfortable, heart start racing. When I was put on the operation table, my heart rate is 200! They tried all they can, talking to me, put some relax medicine through iv. Nothing worked. And they definitely couldn't do the retrieval under this kind of dangerous situation.So they called 911 and the ambulance came. Both the doctor of IVF clinic and the staff in the ambulance said most likely I couldn't finish the retrieval today, my life is more important. S is scared to lose me, and I am scared to lose all my eggs. It's already 11:30, I only have 3 hours window, if I can't be back in the retrieval room by 2:30, the eggs would be already ovulated to the tubes, nothing would be left in the follicles to be retrieved.

This cycle couldn't ended like this, both you and me went through so much to get here! I was very upset but calm in the ambulance, try to explain my situation. They gave me one medicine through iv. My goodness, I felt I am dying for a few seconds, then I came back. They managed to bring down my heartbeat from 200 to 110! Then they held my EKG explaining what happened. The medicine they gave to me made my heart stopping beating for a few second, then beat again. But they still can't release me. Once we arrived ER, the guys in the ambulance and me tried all our best to repeat the story again. I begged them to speed up everything, I need go back to Retrieval room by 2 o'clock. Both doctor and the nurse there are very nice, after a few check up and lots of blood drawn, they released me even before all the test result came back. But I need signed a sheet saying I refused continued care and take full responsibility of the consequences.

We rushed backed to the IVF clinic still in the Gown and iv tube. I called the nurse in the car that we are heading back, so they can be ready once we step in. Here we are, 1:30 we arrived the clinic. And I went straight into the operation room. This time, Dr. D did a ultrasound first before putting me into sleep. They want make sure at least there are still some follicles haven't released yet. He saw follicles, no time to counting how many of them still there, he ordered to 'iv' anesthesia to me.

When I wake up, the doctor said 11 follicles retrieved! My goodness, it all worth it! And Dr. L didn't even entered the retrieval room, Dr. D did it all by himself. Also this time the anesthesiologist put me on the minimal dose without any arguing. I didn't have any energy left to argue with her anyway.

That's the whole story. During my recovery time, the ER of the hospital called, saying the blood result show I had low level of potassium, that probably is the reason for racing heartbeat. I just took my first pill of potassium supplement.

Tomorrow they will call to let us know how many embryos formed. I hope I'll get a good rest tonight.

Talk to you soon,
Y

Out of the 11 eggs received she got 6 embryos. This is over half which is great! Her last cycle their were 7 eggs and only one made it :(. On Thursday two to four of these little guys or girls are going to be put in my womb and hopefully at least one will stick. Please send us lots of sticky vibes! After all we have both been through we really want it to work the first time around!

Wednesday we had a canceled cycle scare. The RE who read Y's ultrasound said it looked like there were only 5 follicles and it didn't make since to continue the cycle because there were so few follicles. Of course Y was devastated! She wasn't even sure they would try to use her eggs again and then she would have to use an egg donor. This was very upsetting news. And of course I was upset too. It isn't pleasant to stick yourself daily and to have done it for nothing would have been very upsetting.

Fast foward to Thursday's appointment.... There were 10 nice looking follicles!!! Woohoo! We are so happy to be moving forward. The follicles are growing a little slower so that has pushed the retrieval till Monday and the transfer will most likely be on Thursday. Progesterone shots start on Sunday night. I am not too worried about them though because I have already been giving myself the Delestrogen. The only thing about the progesterone is there is a lot more of it to inject. I have heard horror stories about the injection causing knots in the rear. That doesn't sound pleasant so I am going to be persistent in keeping a heating pad on the injection spot to keep from getting them.

On top of the transfer we are leaving for the beach on Sunday. The family will be there all week so I am going to fly out from Wilmington on Wednesday so that I can enjoy the beach also. I have so much to do to get ready for the trip and the transfer. At least it will keep me busy and hopefully make the time go by fast!

So as the NP put it this morning I got the tour of the neighborhood. She was talking about my uterus. Haha! I have learned so much from this whole thing. I know everything there is to know about my cycle, which chemicals are released, what my lining should be, what my levels should be at, etc... etc... Then this morning I got to see my reproductive organs on the screen and was showed what is what. I of course have had an ultrasound before but it is different when the focus isn't on a baby. Everything looks great. I have an 8.7mm lining and a triple stripe. Again things I would have never even known about if I hadn't gone through a surrogacy. The lining is where the embryo will attach itself. An 8.7 is pretty good, not amazing but I still have a couple more days till transfer.

It is getting close! In around 14 days (+/- 1 a couple days) I will be headed to NJ to have a couple of Y&S's little embryos placed in my uterus. My feelings are a bit unexplainable. Even the thesaurus can't come up with a word for how I am feeling. It is exciting, so out of the norm (which of course I love), and a bit scary. I want this to work so bad. I don't want to get my hopes up but I also want to be positive and hopeful. I want Y&S to be holding a sweet little baby or two this time next year.

Woohooo! I haven't written much because there hasn't been a lot to write about. I went in for my Hep B vaccines number 1 at the beginning of June and then vaccine number 2 the beginning of July and then went in for the Hep B Antibody test 2 weeks later. The antibody test came back positive for anti bodies which means WE CAN MOVE FORWARD!

I started cycling on Thursday August 12th. I am not sure whether I included this last time but here is my calendar from IVF New Jersey for this cycle. All of the wonderful injections, blood draws, and ultrasounds which aren't really that bad. I am pretty use to it all at this point. A definite plus of starting the Lupron is getting to finally stop taking the BCP. I hate that thing. It makes me feel so ill with nausea and horrible headaches!

So after everything got moving we had to stop and put it all on hold for 3 months or more. :( I had been taking my injections and was all ready for my transfer on June 20th. Then around the beginning of June I got a call from our nurse coordinator. My IM had tested positive for Hep B. It turned out to be a false positive and she had just come in contact with someone who had it and she doesn't actually have the disease (she has actually been vaccinated against it), but it still put us on hold until I could get the vaccines just in case. It is a series of 3 vaccines that take place over 6 months. We are hoping that I will have the antibodies to Hep B after the 2nd vaccine so that we can go ahead and transfer. If I don't then we have to wait the full 6 months so that I can have all 3 vaccines. My IM of course was devastated. She is so ready to be able to move forward and have me pregnant and I am too.

She ended up continuing her egg retrieval cycle since it was already started and they didn't want to waste that too. It is pretty easy to freeze the embryos for later use. They ended up retrieving 7 eggs which is really good. The sad thing is only one made it. The rest were abnormal. Again another set back for her.

We will do a fresh transfer as soon as I get the go ahead to start cycling again (meaning the embryo will not be frozen before implantation) The lone little frozen embryo will be for back up if the fresh doesn't work. Something on SMO that I find amusing, they call the frozen ones totsicles.

So that is my update, I am currently in limbo which is frustration. Especially since everything was moving along so well.

I don't know if anyone else feels like this in the beginning of a surrogacy but it feels like once I started Lupron that the days go by so much slower. I look forward to my injections because it is one injection closer to the transfer. I literally look at the clock 20x a day hoping it is 6 o'clock and I can do another injection. I have been taking injections for a week now and it seems like a month has passed. The good news is they are so easy. I had nothing to worry about. The first couple of times it itched and stung a little but I have already become a pro and they don't bother me at all. The other bad news hot flashes, isomnia and bitchy are all side effects of Lupron. My poor boyfriend and children!

I have more blood work tomorrow. Y's first injection is on the 29th, she starts Estrace. So things are moving right along even though they don't feel like it. I need to find something to keep myself busy so I have less time to fret about it all.

The first injection of Lupron is done and out of the way. It was painless and I didn't even hesitate that long before I stuck myself. The only discomfort came a little after and it wasn't too bad, just some itching and slight sting, kind of like I had a sweat bee sting.

I will be so use to needles by the time this is over with. On average I will have 9 injections a week for the next 16 weeks. Then I will have my blood drawn twice a week. All together that is 11 needles a week and around 175 needles the entire journey if the first transfer takes which hopefully it will. I don't want to think about if it doesn't work the first time just yet, we will cross that road if it comes. WOW! To see it on paper kind of hurts but it will be worth it in the end. To be able to hand Y & S their baby and fulfill their dream will be one of the most rewarding things that I have ever done.

It has been over a month since I have wrote to catch the blogging world up on my surrogacy. So here it is.

We flew out of the Charlotte on Thursday morning headed to NJ. The flight wasn't too bad, it was a small plane so it was a bit bumpy but it was only a 2 hour flight. We landed and got rented a car and headed to Somerset to check in to the hotel. At 7 we met up with Y & S. We went to dinner at Ciao Bello Restaurante and had a wonderful meal and conversation. I am so happy that I matched with such wonderful people. They are so grateful for what we are doing. After dinner we went back to the hotel to crash. It had been a very long day!

Friday we woke up and had breakfast at the hotel and then headed to the screening appointment. It was the longest doctors appointment I had ever had. I was poked and prodded for 5 hours.

First I had to give blood (more to come on that later). Then we had to have a hour long meeting with the therapist which went pretty well I think. She nodded and wrote her notes, of course making me nervous but I don't think she found anything she needed to be worried about. I guess Bill and I are sane for the most part. After Bill and I met with her then all four of us met together, Me, Bill, Y & S. That only took about 10 minutes. So far we have agreed on everything and there wasn't much to talk about.

Once the mind prodding was complete they wanted to check my uterus and cervix to make sure that everything was ok in that department. I will not go in to much detail here but my uterus is clear and the mock transfer only took a minute so I am good to go in this department.

Then we met with the NC (nurse coordinator) to go over the meds calendar and talk about how the next few months will go. Basically I will start Lupron on May 20th. I will start Delestrogen on 5/31. At some point around 6/19 I will go off of Lupron and start Progesterone. Transfer will be around 6/21. And then there will be the 2WW (2 week wait). And hopefully at some time during that time we will get a BFP (big fat positive). After getting the calendar the doctor went over the injection procedure with me. Of course this freaked Bill out. He HATES needles. By that point it was three and we were all starving and ready for lunch.

I am going to back up to the beginning of the day so I can tell about the on going drama through out the day. When we first got there I handed over the results of my HIV test to the NC. I had gotten the test done at the local health department to try and save my IP's money. They hadn't had the results until the morning we were supposed to be flying out so I had grabbed them and thrown them in the folder so because I didn't want to miss the flight. So the NC comes out and takes me to her office and shows me the results and the HIV 1 & 2 say negative. The HIV RNA says detected. WTF? The NC says she has called the Raleigh department and they say it was not detected. I call the local health department back and they say it was detected. Now I am confused and freaked out. I know that there is no chance but still there is that what if. So through out the day I am on the phone with the nurse at the health department that gave me the test. She gives me various reason that it could have come up detected. The RE office goes ahead and retakes the test. At 3:00 when we are just getting finished up the nurse from the health department calls back to tell me it was in fact not detected and they made a mistake. The reason they made the mistake is even longer to explain so I will leave that out for now. I was just relieved to hear that it wasn't detected.

So finally we were given permission to go and get something to eat. We went across the street to grab some Chinese food. Then went to get the contracts notarized. We said goodbye to Y & S and then headed back to the Newark airport to drop of the rental and meet up with my aunt and cousin and headed to NYC.

This city is so beautiful. We drove in on the George Washington bridge and the view is amazing. The traffic will scare the crap out of you but when you aren't worried about getting hit by a semi it is great to look over and see the cliffs on one side and the city on the other. We got to my aunts pent house apartment and the views are amazing. We will finish out our 4 day vacation here.

So far this journey has been amazing. I am so happy with who I am matched with and even more happy that we are able to move forward!

The divorce was finalized quicker then I thought possible. It was a relief to have it over and out of the way. I have officially been a divorced woman for a week and a half.

The RE has approved me and we are waiting for some dates when we can go in for the all day appointment. This appoinment will include psychological and medical evaluations to ensure that I am physically and mentally stable enough to carry a baby Y & S. This date will hopefully be around the end of March or the beginning of April. Then the fun will start with injections and such and we will hopefully be transfering end of April or beginning of May. Y really wants to be able to transfer in April although as optimistic as I am, I am also afraid that the REs aren't in as big of a rush as Y and I are. There are still contracts to be written up, appointments to go to, tests to run so we will see but I think it is probably pushing it.

I should have insurance by the end of the week. It isn't the orginal plan but I think it will work out just as well. We were originally going to get a BCBS policy. The quick quote came back at around $650, when I entered my medical information (which really is not that extensive) it came back DOUBLE that! I about had a heart attack and was almost in tears as I thought this surely was the end and my IPs would move on. I decided I wasn't going to let it defeat me just yet. I called ***** insurance company to see what they had found out about covering surrogacy because I had never heard back from them. GOOD NEWS! The will cover the pregnancy.

That is the updates for now. Hopefully we will have a date for when we are headed to New Jersey to meet with the REs by Friday.

One step closer! Most of my medical records where sent FedEx to the RE today. It didn't take to long to get them all as soon as I was able to get someone on the phone. Leaving a message was apparently pointless. Showing up in person is always more effective.

I never thought I would find IPs so fast. But after posting on surrogatefinder.com, I was surprised to have a response only two days later. We didn't have any electricity at our house so we were staying at Bill's and he doesn't have internet so I had been checking my email on my phone. I was so excited but I couldn't even open the e-mail up. Two days past and I had almost forgotten about it when we finally got back to the land of internet. When I noticed it again I quickly read and responded. The message was from S, the IF. I was immediately interested due to the sincerity of the emails that we begin exchanging.

I got to talk to them on the phone Wednesday, February 10th. I was so nervous leading up to the phone call I felt sick but it turned out fine. The phone conversation went great! They were so nice! I ended up talking to Y, the IM for 45 minutes. She has actually been through 2 surrogates already that didn't work out. One was military and found out the surrogate's husband, who was in the military had orders for their family to move to Japan. The second surrogate got pregnant with her own child so she couldn't do it either. So hopefully I will be the one! We agreed on all the important issues and even started to talk about the contract stuff which is a bit uncomfortable to talk about but ended up being fine. They want to move forward! So we are going to continue to talk while I get the necessary stuff sent to the REs. We are looking at the first initial meeting with the REs sometime the end of March or early April. With Transfer in May or June. I won't get to meet them until the initial meeting with the REs because they live in PA but we also won't be signing any contracts till then. I am so excited/nervous!

I lay awake Wednesday night thinking how crazy it would be to be pregnant at some point this year. Hopefully sooner then later. I can't even explain to people how wonderful it would feel to help this wonderful couple that I have never met. Most people just wouldn't get it.

List of stuff that needs to be done to move forward as Y & S's surrogate:
- Medical records sent to RE. (This is proving to be harder then I though UGH, I can't even get a call back)
- Doctor appointment on Thursday with form filed out and results faxed to RE.
- Second form filled out be me and faxed to RE
- Sunday I am sticking myself with a needle if it takes me all day to get up the nerve! We are practicing on oranges first (Dr D's orders).

The divorce papers are filed! Now just the 30 day wait and the court appearance. As this chapter comes to an end I am of course a little sad. There are so many raw emotions that come with a divorce that it is hard to even put them in words; but with this divorce comes new beginnings. I am very excited about where I am and where I am going. Not only do I have an amazing boyfriend whom (as odd as it sounds since I just got out of a marriage) I plan on marrying one day, I am also going to hopefully get to help a couple have a baby! This happiness would not have been possible if I had stayed in a marriage that obviously wasn't going to get any better and most the time I wasn't happy in. So here is to new beginnings!

First step... research.
I have done my research and continue to read more about surrogacy daily. I check surromomsonline.com like an addict, have read all information that I can get from agency sites, and googled surrogacy, surrogate, insurance, etc. till I can't even think of other phrases to google. I have even searched for PIO (progesterone in oil) injection videos on youtube. Yes, they have not only one video of someone shooting them selves in the butt with a syringe, but there are at least 25. I have watched 5 hoping that this will ease my mind. I cringe at the sight but do not need to turn my head. I can and will over come this fear! Hopefully Dr Mike will have the supplies for me to start over coming the fear soon. I want to know I can do this before getting too far with a couple. They have been through enough heartache and I don't want to get their hopes up but I really don't thing the shots will be a problem. I am hard headed enough not to let my fear stand in the way.

Second step... put my name out there.
I have contacted a few agencies. Most require that I have insurance in place before even talking to them. I finally found one that answered my questions and sent me an application despite the insurance being up in the air. It took me 2 hours to fill out the 20 page application. I hope I look OK on paper. It all makes me a little nervous but excited at the same time.

I am also putting my name out there on a couple of surrogate sites. The thought of going independent (without an agency) makes me even more nervous but I have met a local woman who also went independent and has already talked to me about a lawyer I could use and I am sure will help me more as the journey progresses. The surrogacy community is very close and very willing to help noobs such as myself. I actually had my first e-mail from a traditional couple and have sent them a response. Exciting but I do not expect my first contact to be the one. Don't get my hopes up and I won't be disappointed. Right???

Well that is where I am at with everything right now. I will hopefully continue to post as the journey progresses.

So of course there are obstacles that must be over come. The whole process can be a little over whelming. But I am doing my research and have already learned a bunch from the ladies on a wonderful forum called http://www.surromomsonline.com .

I am listing my obstacles on my blogs in hopes that it will remind me that it is a short list and not really as daunting as it seems.
1. Finish the divorce. There is really not much more to do here except get the separation agreement signed and file with the clerk of court. As long as the ex cooperates this should be pretty simple and the divorce should be final about 2 months after I file.
2. Insurance seems to be the most difficult part of all of this yet. Hardly any plans cover surrogacy. What a PIA! Not to mention they cost a fortune. I want to help someone have a baby, not break their bank with large premiums, deductibles, co-pays, and all the other junk that I can not even began to understand when looking at an insurance plan. Right now I have two options. One is Blue Cross Blue Shield and the other is *******.
3. And last but certainly not least is my fear of needles. Since I will being doing IVF (in vitro fertilization) to get pregnant with the IP's (intended parent's) baby I will have to take shots to help prepare my body for the baby. I will have to administer these shots myself. OUCH! I have a plan though! The most wonderful Dr. Mike (a close friend and a pediatrician) is going to teach me how to administer them. He has taught kids with diabetes to give themselves shots. Surely he can get me use to it too. We are starting on oranges, then my stomach, and finally in my thigh or in my butt. This is going to be fun. Maybe I will even post pictures.

I have wanted to be a surrogate mother since I heard the term.

I can not fathom not being able to have children. Even as a child when someone said "what do you want to be when you grew up", the only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mother. Yes it is the hardest thing I have ever done, yes at times my children drive me bat shit crazy, but they are who I am. So to hear someone say that they want to know that feeling and they are not sure they will ever get the chance breaks my heart.

I love helping others. I think my counselor called it the lost puppy syndrome. I think she meant this in the most loving of ways. Dr. D calls says that it is just the workings of a sensitive child (or adult in my case). If I see any anyone (human or animal) in trouble I not only sympathize but I want to do everything I can to help. My sympathetic nature was apparent as a young child. I am not sure how old I was but my mom made me a super hero cape with the letter E on it. I would throw it on when ever the dog had a hurt animal or a bird had hit the window in my attempt to save the day. As sweet as my parents thought it was, they also saw it in some ways as a problem. Especially after I got bite while attempting to save a rather large mouse from the jaws of the dog. The lesson I should have learned from this and multiple other times when trying to help others is, help those that you are able to help and be careful of those that may instead of accepting the help will not only never appreciate what was done for them but can end up hurting you in the end. I think that this has been a very hard lesson for me to learn. This journey is about many things, one of which is about helping someone who I can truly help and will greatly appreciate the gift given. It is also about getting past the pain of those that I couldn't help in the end and which have caused me pain.

Another reason to give this gift is because I love being pregnant. Three pregnancies and they have all been pretty easy. My midwife at 17 said your hips were made to have babies. Probably not what I need to hear at 17 but hey if it can help someone else. They were all carried to term, actually they were all carried past 41 weeks (UGH). The only serious problem I had was with Anabelle and that was due to meconium in the fluid which caused an infection in her lungs. So getting to experience pregnancy again will be a treat for me while a answered prayer for someone else.

So with the longing to help someone else, the feeling that it gives me, and the love of being pregnant I have decided to go forward with being a surrogate.

Thus the beginning of my journey...